"Often the unstated assumption of many people is that it is God's job to create a world in which things benefit us." Timothy Keller (Walking with God through Pain and Suffering)
What is happily ever after in a world riddled with sin and suffering?
What is happily ever after in the space between The Fall and Heaven?
I was taught about a God who is good. He answers our prayers. He rewards those who live good lives. He is a loving God who will give you the desires of your heart. He will bless you.
I built a framework of hopes and dreams around this God. Not asking for help in building my paper dreams. I decided that life would be like a movie, a love song, a lovely novel.
But life is not a movie and God is not a genie.
Inevitably life reaches a moment where the rose colored glasses fall off. Money is tight. Parents die before their kids are teenagers. Children get cancer. You are single and past your prime. The doctor says you can't have kids. Your spouse has an affair. Your church gets caught in a scandal. Someone close to you no longer believes in Christ.
But you prayed. You begged. You cried and pleaded. You fasted. Quoted Scripture. So WHY? Why did God not answer? Is He not loving? Is He not good? Is He not able to do the impossible? Does He not want you to be happy?
Did He not hear you?
Does God actually even exist?
And this is the problem with believing in a god that exists to fulfill our whims and pleasures. A created god who longs to do the will of humans. A god who is no god at all. Faith in this god will not weather the storms of life.
If God were to never give you the one thing on earth you desire most, would you still believe that He is good? Would you still believe that He is God?
Or would you walk away? Hurt, disillusioned. Needing to blame someone just so that it hurts less to see your dreams shattered.
God is more than what we have been preaching. God is good and loving. God is also all-knowing, holy, righteous and just. And sometimes He disciplines us. Prunes us. Points out the idols in our hearts. Because if you were serving God merely for Him to give you your deepest desires; God wasn't your Lord, your desire was.
And I've wondered if God will ever answer some prayers. I've wondered wether I would believe in Him if He didn't. I've waited. Been dissapointed. Given up on asking. Started praying again. Struggled to endure. Wanted things to happen on my time. Cried desperate tears. Feigned nonchalance. Tried taking things into my own hands. Saw it fall apart. Blamed God for it falling apart. I've been exasperated with my inability to see the future or know tomorrow or control the circumstances.
My faith has buckled. Been shaken. Remains standing only by grace and the intercession of Christ. And I still don't have the answers to some of my prayers. And it still feels like God is asking me to wait. And I don't want to wait anymore. Because I don't want to be aware that happily ever after, on earth, doesn't exist. And that life is but a breath. And that I don't know all and can't control all.
And deep down I still believe one of the first lies that Satan ever used to deceive the human heart.
God is holding out on you.
Right now, if you were to ask me if I would still love and trust God no matter what his answer to my prayers will be; I would have to be honest and say I don't know if my faith is that strong.
But I just need a mustard seed and one cry. Lord, help my unbelief!
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