"Now Thomas, one of the twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.” Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” Then he said to Thomas,“Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.” Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:24-29 (ESV)
Oh Thomas, I understand why you wanted to see the wounds, touch the scars, behold the One who had been crucified.
Thomas, I recognise how forsaken you must have felt, when all told you He was raised, but your heart faltered in the wake of blindness.
Oh Thomas, how excruciating those eight days must have been, in the valley of mourning and grief and disbelief. I know you were doubting, because I have doubted too.
I know the heart that fights with logic. I see your torment in the moments that are not written for us to read about. I see it, because I have been tormented by my own weakness. My lack of trust. My disbelief fighting my belief. I have been tormented by the wait, the lack of sight in the waiting.
The despair that an unknown, unseen future brings. The despair that comes when all you have known to be true is shaken.
They told you Thomas. Why, like me, could you not trust? Were you also untrusting by nature? Had you seen too much of life? Did one too many of your hopes shatter for you to be able to believe without seeing? You were there when Christ taught that God could do the impossible; did you not believe that he would do it in your life?
Did logic override your heart? Did grief override what you knew to be true? Which one was it Thomas? Do our heads or our hearts win?
Did you think the Lord had forgotten you? Did you wonder if He loved you still? Why were you not with the others at his first appearance to them? Had you fled your faith?
What happened in those terrible eight days...were you wrestling with God like Jacob had done? Did you flee like Jonah? Did you pray to die like Elijah had? Did you beg for a cup to pass you by like Jesus had done? Did you pray like Job or Habakkuk? Did you lament like the Psalmists?
What had happened to your faith in the moments, the long length of days, between death and resurrection. Resurrection and encounter. Were you tempted to walk away. Did you feel like a divine joke had been played.
Did you doubt that Jesus was the Messiah that had been promised?
Oh Thomas, why do I resonate with you needing to see and touch? Is my faith so small that only in seeing will I believe? Should I not heed the warning that those who believe without seeing are to be blessed?
Oh Thomas, I am also doubting. Will the Lord reveal Himself to me?
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